Blackmail

Does everyone have one of those "blackmail" photos from their childhood? You know, the one where you're either sporting the worlds worst hairdo or outfit, or better; you're buck naked?

I do.

I was around 2 or 3 years old. I can't ask my mom how old I was and there's no guarantee that she would have remembered anyway. I had received one of those plastic spring horses as a birthday gift and was thereafter nicknamed "Lady Godiva" for obvious reasons. I had/have a real obsession for horses. It's one of my "romantic" ideas to be horseback riding through a field. Anyway, I loved to ride my spring horse sans clothing. It's the the ultimate childhood accomplishment to be able to combine your two favorite things; running around naked with riding horses. Lady Godiva thought it was a good idea too! I think that's why it was so important for my mom to buy Madeline her plastic spring horse. I remember being so irritated by that gift for Madeline because it took up so much room. But I realize now that it must have been so satisfying for my mom to give it to her, remembering my personal love for my own spring horse. I am so glad she bought it for Maddie. She still rides it, more than two years after she received it from my mom. I wish I could have been more understanding of my mom's perspective that I can only now grasp after she's gone.

I haven't been able to get a photo of Madeline doing the "Lady of Godiva" but that doesn't mean that Madeline doesn't like to streak through the house. I mean, honestly, who doesn't like to streak a little now and then. Anna seems to have inherited that love, as she gets out of the bathtub and runs for the hills before I can strap a diaper onto her bum.

It's hard going through this season because we're getting close to the one-year anniversary of my mom's death. I think about last year how she was holed up in the nursing home, I wasn't able to share Anna's birth with her, I wasn't able to celebrate any holidays with her. Last night Madeline became sad and told me she didn't want me to die. My poor baby has to worry about losing her parents because I lost mine. She's five and shouldn't have to worry about these kinds of things.

I have traditions that no longer feel "right" and the recent loss/ruin of two family objects that reminded me of both of my parents. But I do have memories and pictures. Blackmail pictures of me streaking through the house and riding on a spring horse.